I just came across this one again after a few years. I figured I would share it again.
THE STEWARDESS MONOLOGUES
by William Schrul
Flight Attendants are all the same. We deal with the same sh%t, just in a
different uniform. We point to the same exits, we say the same things.
Well, except for the occasional DELTA Flight Attendant who refers to the
hot towels as would you like a hot warsh rag fer yer face?.
Passengers- They're so sweet and innocent, like children. And sometimes you
just wanna spank the sh%t out of them, but you don't for legal reasons.
"All
my friends who fly on AMERICAN get to hold their oversized luggage on their
laps."
Listen, mister. As long as you're under my fuselage, you're gonna
follow my rules. And I don't care what Flight Attendants let your friends
do!
But sometimes they're completely unassuming, like first time flyers. You
know the ones- you're coming down the aisle with your beverage cart and
they want to pay you a dollar for their coke, and you just have to say to
them, I can't take that dollar from you. Its two fifty.
Let's talk about the seatbelt sign for a minute, shall we? This
mother-f'ing thing! The minute it goes on they all jump out of their
seats. I wish I could invent a p.a. system that could direct my
announcement to any one seat or lavatory. Could you imagine? I would never
leave my jumpseat! Let's say you have someone who goes into the bathroom
after you've told them that the seatbelt sign is on. Just go over to your
jumpseat panel and type in aft lavatory, 3L, and make your desired
announcement. Attention! This is the toilet speaking! Get your fat
hemorrhoid filled a%s off of me and get back to your seat! The seatbelt
sign is on! And I KNEW you dyed your hair!
What about our more senior work force, these women who have been around
since the flying boat. God love 'em. They'll never retire. And I've come up
with an invention so that they'll never have to. It's called FLIGHT
ATTENDS. No more lagging services because senior Betty is in the can again.
No more jumpseat accidents. Can you just imagine that peeing-in-the-pool
look on their faces when you ask them to pass you a 7UP?!
Pregnant Flight Attendants- What a brilliant f'ing idea! I tell you, if I
were a woman I'd buy a maternity dress and have it with me at all times. As
soon as I was on the plane I would slip it on and stuff myself so I would
look about eight and a half months pregnant. I bet no one f's with you!
Sir, we're out of the chicken, but I have the lasagna. He would go to open
his mouth to say something, as they always do, and I would just start
moaning and grabbing my stomach, oh, I think my water just broke. You'd be
invincible, they'd all be in the palm of your hands, because believe me,
nobody wants to be responsible for killing your baby. I'm so jealous.
I just love it when passengers get on the plane and they all look in the
cockpit. Wouldn't it be great if the pilots were sitting in there, one
reading a book titled, SO YOU WANT TO FLY?, and the other holding a broken
switch in his hand with a look of confusion on his face? And they always
have something stupid to say. Hope they're not tired. Hope they find the
way to Miami. Oh, f you! And then there's the parents who wanna thrust
their children on up there. Oh honey look. Look at the Captain. Look at all
those switches. Go say hi. Go say hello, Ashley. Go on. Notice how they
could give a f about us, never asking us to take their picture in the
galley while they pose next to the coffee maker. And it's the same thing
when they're leaving. Thanks, great flight, they say to the pilots, who did
nothing but
make annoying announcements the whole time. We're the ones who supplied
them with peanuts and carbonated beverages which give them rancid gas, bad
enough to bring the masks down. I swear, sometimes I get so frustrated I
point to the wrong exits just out of spite.
And now there's free movies on the flights. It's so unfair. There's a group
of us that have had to file bankruptcy. Oh, don't act so shocked! Did you
actually think that any of that money was actually turned in to the
company? Those movies and drinks have always been free in economy! The
Flight Attendants all got together in one of our annual meetings and
decided, they're in economy, no one will ever know the difference- let's
charge them and keep the money.
And speaking of our meetings, we're always coming up with something new.
Last time we were all there to honor the Flight Attendant who came up with
the seatbacks and tray tables up for landing. Brilliant! And it serves no
purpose! We just got together and thought it would be funny. And electronic
devices, there's no danger of the plane falling out of the sky! We're just
control freaks and like to impose made up rules!
And taxiing into the gate. Why is it that everybody has to get their bags
out into the aisle and get into that half seated, half in the sprinting
position like they're gonna run a race? We're moving and some people even
start to get up. Excuse me, we're not even at the gate yet! Where are you
gonna go to? It's times like these that I wish I had an emergency brake
located by my jumpseat. The kind like they have on the subway. I would pull
that mother f'er and we would screech to such a stop, I swear to God,
people would be flying out the cockpit window. But the unfortunate thing is
that Boeing and Airbus don't ask for Flight Attendant input.
Frequent Fliers. Why can everything be justified by how many miles they
have? Sir, you simply cannot be smacking around a Flight Attendant like
that. You can't... Oh?... Super Gold status? Yes, well that is a lot of
miles. You certainly can slap a Flight Attendant, sir. Yes you can. Here,
let me get you another one, you can slap two of them with that kind of
mileage. I think that if you cut their frequent flyer card in half it would
be more devastating to them than if the plane went down.
I just love it when you come down the aisle and they all have their
headphones on. I don't even talk anymore, I just move my lips. Why waste my
breath when they don't even take them off to hear what I'm saying. Okay,
I'm standing in front of you with a beverage cart, what the f do you
think I'm asking you? Would you like your pap smear before or after dinner,
Maam? And then they scream really loudly, What? What? So to get back at
people, I now wear my Walkman while on the cart. I get to their row and I
just scream, What would you like to drink? What? What? I can't hear you!
We're always in the media: Flight Attendant confessions on the next Maury:
Flight Attendants who point to the exits with their middle fingers. Flight
Attendant admits to doing safety demo wrong on purpose, on the next Sally.
Oprah's newest book club selection, When Bad Passengers Happen to Good
Flight Attendants. The new Learning Annex seminar, Flight Attendants are
from Mars, Passengers are from Hell.
I just love it when passengers think they're gonna get me fired. I want
your name. I WANT YOUR NAME! I just point to my serving jacket and say,
Sir, my parents were also in the service industry, and F YOU AHOLE IS
my name.
Family. Every year at Thanksgiving it's the same thing. So, you're still
with the airlines? No, I just thought I'd quit one day and work nine to
five, five days a week in some office! Like this is a hobby or something!
And what's with this, the airlines sh%t? I work for ONE AIRLINE, not ALL of
them! Well, I am usually with UNITED, but last week Air France called me,
and you know the French, I just couldn't say no. Next thing I know, I'm on
the Concord to Paris! And God forbid there's an accident. My mother will
get so many calls. Oh my God, I hope he's okay. That was a Russian Airline.
He works for United.
Well, we know he's with THE AIRLINES, so we weren't sure. Are you sure he
wasn't on it?
THE STEWARDESS MONOLOGUES
by William Schrul
Flight Attendants are all the same. We deal with the same sh%t, just in a
different uniform. We point to the same exits, we say the same things.
Well, except for the occasional DELTA Flight Attendant who refers to the
hot towels as would you like a hot warsh rag fer yer face?.
Passengers- They're so sweet and innocent, like children. And sometimes you
just wanna spank the sh%t out of them, but you don't for legal reasons.
"All
my friends who fly on AMERICAN get to hold their oversized luggage on their
laps."
Listen, mister. As long as you're under my fuselage, you're gonna
follow my rules. And I don't care what Flight Attendants let your friends
do!
But sometimes they're completely unassuming, like first time flyers. You
know the ones- you're coming down the aisle with your beverage cart and
they want to pay you a dollar for their coke, and you just have to say to
them, I can't take that dollar from you. Its two fifty.
Let's talk about the seatbelt sign for a minute, shall we? This
mother-f'ing thing! The minute it goes on they all jump out of their
seats. I wish I could invent a p.a. system that could direct my
announcement to any one seat or lavatory. Could you imagine? I would never
leave my jumpseat! Let's say you have someone who goes into the bathroom
after you've told them that the seatbelt sign is on. Just go over to your
jumpseat panel and type in aft lavatory, 3L, and make your desired
announcement. Attention! This is the toilet speaking! Get your fat
hemorrhoid filled a%s off of me and get back to your seat! The seatbelt
sign is on! And I KNEW you dyed your hair!
What about our more senior work force, these women who have been around
since the flying boat. God love 'em. They'll never retire. And I've come up
with an invention so that they'll never have to. It's called FLIGHT
ATTENDS. No more lagging services because senior Betty is in the can again.
No more jumpseat accidents. Can you just imagine that peeing-in-the-pool
look on their faces when you ask them to pass you a 7UP?!
Pregnant Flight Attendants- What a brilliant f'ing idea! I tell you, if I
were a woman I'd buy a maternity dress and have it with me at all times. As
soon as I was on the plane I would slip it on and stuff myself so I would
look about eight and a half months pregnant. I bet no one f's with you!
Sir, we're out of the chicken, but I have the lasagna. He would go to open
his mouth to say something, as they always do, and I would just start
moaning and grabbing my stomach, oh, I think my water just broke. You'd be
invincible, they'd all be in the palm of your hands, because believe me,
nobody wants to be responsible for killing your baby. I'm so jealous.
I just love it when passengers get on the plane and they all look in the
cockpit. Wouldn't it be great if the pilots were sitting in there, one
reading a book titled, SO YOU WANT TO FLY?, and the other holding a broken
switch in his hand with a look of confusion on his face? And they always
have something stupid to say. Hope they're not tired. Hope they find the
way to Miami. Oh, f you! And then there's the parents who wanna thrust
their children on up there. Oh honey look. Look at the Captain. Look at all
those switches. Go say hi. Go say hello, Ashley. Go on. Notice how they
could give a f about us, never asking us to take their picture in the
galley while they pose next to the coffee maker. And it's the same thing
when they're leaving. Thanks, great flight, they say to the pilots, who did
nothing but
make annoying announcements the whole time. We're the ones who supplied
them with peanuts and carbonated beverages which give them rancid gas, bad
enough to bring the masks down. I swear, sometimes I get so frustrated I
point to the wrong exits just out of spite.
And now there's free movies on the flights. It's so unfair. There's a group
of us that have had to file bankruptcy. Oh, don't act so shocked! Did you
actually think that any of that money was actually turned in to the
company? Those movies and drinks have always been free in economy! The
Flight Attendants all got together in one of our annual meetings and
decided, they're in economy, no one will ever know the difference- let's
charge them and keep the money.
And speaking of our meetings, we're always coming up with something new.
Last time we were all there to honor the Flight Attendant who came up with
the seatbacks and tray tables up for landing. Brilliant! And it serves no
purpose! We just got together and thought it would be funny. And electronic
devices, there's no danger of the plane falling out of the sky! We're just
control freaks and like to impose made up rules!
And taxiing into the gate. Why is it that everybody has to get their bags
out into the aisle and get into that half seated, half in the sprinting
position like they're gonna run a race? We're moving and some people even
start to get up. Excuse me, we're not even at the gate yet! Where are you
gonna go to? It's times like these that I wish I had an emergency brake
located by my jumpseat. The kind like they have on the subway. I would pull
that mother f'er and we would screech to such a stop, I swear to God,
people would be flying out the cockpit window. But the unfortunate thing is
that Boeing and Airbus don't ask for Flight Attendant input.
Frequent Fliers. Why can everything be justified by how many miles they
have? Sir, you simply cannot be smacking around a Flight Attendant like
that. You can't... Oh?... Super Gold status? Yes, well that is a lot of
miles. You certainly can slap a Flight Attendant, sir. Yes you can. Here,
let me get you another one, you can slap two of them with that kind of
mileage. I think that if you cut their frequent flyer card in half it would
be more devastating to them than if the plane went down.
I just love it when you come down the aisle and they all have their
headphones on. I don't even talk anymore, I just move my lips. Why waste my
breath when they don't even take them off to hear what I'm saying. Okay,
I'm standing in front of you with a beverage cart, what the f do you
think I'm asking you? Would you like your pap smear before or after dinner,
Maam? And then they scream really loudly, What? What? So to get back at
people, I now wear my Walkman while on the cart. I get to their row and I
just scream, What would you like to drink? What? What? I can't hear you!
We're always in the media: Flight Attendant confessions on the next Maury:
Flight Attendants who point to the exits with their middle fingers. Flight
Attendant admits to doing safety demo wrong on purpose, on the next Sally.
Oprah's newest book club selection, When Bad Passengers Happen to Good
Flight Attendants. The new Learning Annex seminar, Flight Attendants are
from Mars, Passengers are from Hell.
I just love it when passengers think they're gonna get me fired. I want
your name. I WANT YOUR NAME! I just point to my serving jacket and say,
Sir, my parents were also in the service industry, and F YOU AHOLE IS
my name.
Family. Every year at Thanksgiving it's the same thing. So, you're still
with the airlines? No, I just thought I'd quit one day and work nine to
five, five days a week in some office! Like this is a hobby or something!
And what's with this, the airlines sh%t? I work for ONE AIRLINE, not ALL of
them! Well, I am usually with UNITED, but last week Air France called me,
and you know the French, I just couldn't say no. Next thing I know, I'm on
the Concord to Paris! And God forbid there's an accident. My mother will
get so many calls. Oh my God, I hope he's okay. That was a Russian Airline.
He works for United.
Well, we know he's with THE AIRLINES, so we weren't sure. Are you sure he
wasn't on it?
