I found this on the Delta IAM website and thought I'd share it with the group. I don't know the author, but laughed my ass off. On the other hand, it is a bit scary to think that the koolaid kids like the wind and gse will just nod along and pledge allegiance to Rich and his clan to save mother Delta.
Date: 31 Jul 2008 12:46 PM DEAR VALUED DELTA EMPLOYEE:
The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with the current price of fuel and the existing level of capacity in the marketplace. We need to make changes in response.
While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases haven't been sufficient to cover the rising cost of fuel. As fares increase, fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce our capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our capacity, we will need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will be painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully navigate these difficult times.
Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior employees by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. Under this plan, senior employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Persons). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ($#!T). We take pride in the amount of $#!T our employees receive. We have given our employees more $#!T than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough $#!T on the job, see your local manager. Your management team is specially trained to make sure you receive all the $#!T you can handle.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Sincerely,
Your Well-compensated Golden-parachute-in-position Senior VP Management Leadership Team
