OP
InternationalShannon
Veteran
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- Thread starter
- #61
This is one of my older, more popular blogs that is completely untrue and would only have happened if I worked for an airline, which I don't. Names dont' need to be changed to protect the innocent because 1) no one is innocent and 2) It never happened, right?
I am thinking maybe I'll just link you all to the original blog. There is two years worth of this crap in there....... maybe.
SNN
----
MY PIMPLES HAVE NAMES
Wow, I bet that got your attention. Funny thing is, is that this is no joke. Oh, no my four legged friends......(haha, I just called you dogs..or cats...or horses...or cows..or..oops. I need to stay on topic)
I wasn't using clever trickery to get you to click on my blog. I actually do name my skin blemishes. And I'll tell you why.
The only reason I get them is because of stress.
I *know*, right? I have normally flawless skin. Are you totally jealous? Well, you don't have to stay that shade of green (which looks lovely on you by the way) for very long. Let me elaborate. I'll try to stay focused.
It all started when : (cue blurry/wavy dream sequence with properly timed harp to imply we are going back in time)
It was my second week of training back at the airline. I was extremely confident with all the things that went along with my new job with the exception of moving the jet bridge. For whatever reason, my whole life in the airline industry (translation: 5 years) I have been able to successfully avoid driving the passenger loading bridges (formally known as "jet bridges" or passenger loading bridges, JETWAY is actually a brand that does not apply to all bridges.)
The jetway is a long bridge that extends out from the terminal and has a rotating cab attatched to it that you can drive up to the door of the plane and then this canopy thing covers the open air so that when you step off the plane, it's like walking down a freezing/hot dank moldy smelling nasty carpet hallway into the airport.
They are extremely intimidating to drive. They're about fifteen to twenty feet off the ground and you have to watch out for: moving ramp equipment, stationary ramp equipment, people, luggage carts, and you have to get it less than two inches away from the plane. Which is nearly impossible since it's really jerky (literally) and lurches unpredictably, sometimes a whole foot. If you even put a dent in the plane or scratch the paint in any way, the flight is cancelled and the damages could total hundreds of thousands. And you get sent for a drug test immediately. (Like that time I wrecked the electric cart into the wall on E concourse in 2002....what? Different story. Maybe I'll tell you some time when you're ready..)
Off topic again. Is it a wonder I can't drive?
So, I finally get forced to train on this jetbridge and after an 8 hour day of training and not hitting anything, I feel pretty good. But I didn't get to try out my "mad skillz" til three days later.
Until I am finished with three weeks of "training" I am assigned to a veteran agent and I shadow them. Except since I have so much airline experience (in dog years) that I am cocky and insist I do everything on my own. Including the boarding bridge. Cuz I trained on that and rocked the house.
My first opportunity to meet the aircraft was pretty hairy. I got a call from the tower and was told that the gate next to me was not answering and a plane was on the way to it. I said "No problem!" and told my veteran agent mentor that I was going to meet the plane. Applauding my enthusiasm, she offered to look out the window and come down there to help if anything seemed wrong. I insisted I'd be fine and ran down to the jet bridge opening just as I heard it roar around the corner. I pushed the roller door up. Behold, the Boeing 757.
Then I looked at the jetway controls. Behold, the....What? WHAT?
A wave of dread washes over me and envelops me like a surprise tsunami. My life flashed before my eyes. Specifically the scene where we were being demonstrated how to operate this particular jet bridge and I was daydreaming of being at home and being able to pee ( i have sworn off the terminal toilets) Then, thinking of the bathroom would make me think of a bathtub and then a bubble bath sounded good, and ....well I guess it is pretty obvious that I am easily derailed and distracted.
I froze. Probably for a minute. A minute is a long time to freeze when things are supposed to move quickly. The ramp agents are hollering. "IS IT BROKEN?" I read lips really well. But I can't yell that loud. I try to yell "IM NEW!" to the agents and they can't understand me and seem to be really annoyed. They are union workers and this is totally cutting into their cable tv watching free coffee drinking break time.
I put my finger into the "just one second" position and dart up the jetway. My heart is in my throat. But my veteran agent buddy is quick to the draw. She jogs down the jet bridge and asks what is wrong. I can't do it.
She chuckles, tells me it takes some time, and expertly maneuvers the equipement up to the plane, pulling the jet bridge up within one inch of the body and a brilliant two feet from the engine. Without using any rear view mirrors. Wait, this jet way doesnt have one of those either. Damn, she's good.
The rest of the day is spent with her allowing me to pull the jet bridge up to all of our inbounds and driving away during the departures. After about four arrivals and departures, I get comfortable again and she tells me the next one is all mine. All alone again.
No problem!! I'm READY! IM READY! IM READYIMREADYIMREADY!! (running around like Spongebob)
There is about 15 minutes til the next flight and the agent (her name is Deb by the way) tells me to go on break and get some food.
My adrenaline is all crazy now , so I decide my time would be better spent rubbing it in to any coworker (training coworker, not veteran agent) about how great I am (they havent been allowed to drive it yet, just me)
I go into the break room, and PERFECT! Nate gets to hear about my mad jetway skillz.
I brag that Ive been doing it all day by myself and I conveniently leave out the boring parts. And by boring, I mean the part where I froze this morning and pissed off the ramp people, and also the part where Deb was basically holding my hand the whole time and telling me what buttons to push)
Not quite satisfied with the amount of bragging I am doing, I decide to put the icing on the crapcake by telling him that I will be meeting a plane in 15 minutes. And I wait for him to tell me how awesomely great and smart I am.
Instead, he says that he has an hour til his next flight and wants to come too.
I hesitate for a second, but then I remember I am Shannon, Queen of the Jetway, and this will be such a total showoff opportunity. To prove how awesomely awesome I am and then I will have a witness to spread the word.
We go to the gate just in time to see the plane pull up and we jog down to the controls. Deb is watching from the window to make sure everything is okay, but we're all alone as the plane roars into position.
It's me and Nate and Nate and me and a great big ol' A320. Oh, and also the ramp agent that gave me the mean look. He's back and is probably wondering who the hell let me back up there.
I walk up to the controls and proudly push the "power on " button. The bell rings loudly, signaling for the ramp agents to get the hell out of my way (which they were already because the mad one undoubtedly told his ramprat buddies that I was back. I think one of them even might have gotten popcorn. Wow!! Jetway drivin' is a spectator sport! STARRING ME!!)
Nate is like, okay, let's do it!
And I give him the "OhhhYEAhHH!" look before I grab the controls and start to do my thannnng.
Apparently, I was a little too amped up because the jetway lurched forward and skreeked something awful. The time elapsed was about three seconds.
That bastard panic wave came back and made me push Nate in front of the controls and yell YOU DO IT!!
Nate says, um OKAY!! and he happily grabs the controls.
He lurches the jetway forward and it skreeks and feels like it's going to fast.
Shannon: STOP!!
The jetway stops and we have to hold on to not fall over.
Nate starts pushing buttons and I start panicking more. It's like an episode of "I love Lucy" on a jetway.
Except Nate is Ethel and I am Lucy. (Im the star!) And it's the one where we're making chocolate and it's going all over the place because the machine has gone crazy, and the jetway is the machine and it's CRAZY!!
It went something like this:
Shannon: SH$#@$#@!!
Nate: I think I need to push this
Jetway: BANG!! SKREEK!!!
Shannon: NO!! PUSH THIS ONE!!
SKRrEEkEEK!! LurCHH!! (goes in wrong direction)
(the people in the plane have now been at the gate about three minutes and are now standing up and crouching to see out the window. There is a child in the second row whose cheek is flattened against the window and his eyelid is pulling down and his face is fixed in this awestruck/confused look)
Nate starts pushing the vertical button like it's a mouse button that won't respond and the cab floor drops about three feet.
I grab the other vertical button and quickly bang it five more feet up, but Nate has decided to hit another button and the cab has rotated about 20 degrees in the wrong direction.
Shannon: OHMYGOD!! DO THE OTHER ONE!
Nate: No! It's uneven!
Shannon: DO IT!! (pushes button)
Nate: STOP! IT's FINE!!
Shannon: No it ISNT!! YOURE GOING TO HIT IT!!
Nate: I HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM!!
And finally we pull it within a few inches of the door. Except the door is halfway exposed outside and there is no way it would open without spilling passengers twenty feet down.
The objective was not just to get the bridge to the door, but to have the ENTIRE door clear.
Deb comes jogging down the jetway
"What HAPPEN...OH no. You're going to have to back it up and start over."
She looks mad.
We look out the window. The ramp has pulled the power cord which means the jet bridge won't power up.
We have to go to the ground level and tell them to put the power cord back.
I grab Nate and drag him down with me.
The agent looks at me smugly.
We need the cord pulled.
Agent: What? (points at his ear)
Shannon: We need the CORD PULLED.
Agent: What? (looks up at the jetbridge . It's so effing obvious, and he's just jacking me around now)
Agent: What do you need? (to Nate)
Nate: I don't know.
Shannon: UNPLUG IT!!
Pilot opens his little window and gives us the WTF look.
Shannon: (pointing at Nate) HE IS IN TRAINING. WE HAD SOME JETWAY TROUBLE. I NEED TO UNPLUG THE GROUND POWER AND RE POSITION THE BRIDGE.
The Pilot looks at Nate sympathetically and says, okay. We all have to learn sometime!!
Nate is confused.
Shannon is gloating because she successfully passed the buck.
We go back up the stairs and Deb repositions to jet bridge and the passengers deplane.
Deb makes us open the door, since we're the stupid ones, we should be the ones the passengers see first.
We open the door to the aircraft and the flight attendant gives us a nice little chuckle. Pats Nate on the back, it's okay, son. You'll learn.
Then the passengers start walking off, laughing and telling Nate he did a good job. Giving him encouragement.
After everyone deplanes, we walk back up that jerk of a jetway and Deb tells us "at least we didn't break anything"
Nate agrees. And he totally doesn't even say anything about how I threw him under the bus.
He heads towards his gate and I go to the bathroom to calm down and try to suppress the dread that is manifesting intself into that vomity vomit feeling. Nate thought it was a learning experience. I thought it was a damn nightmare.
When I got into the bathroom, I noticed a brand new zit that wasn't there this morning.
...And I named it Jetway.
So, in summary:
AIRBUS A320 Airplane: $two billion million dollars
Jetway Passenger Bridge: $one billion million pennies
Almost smacking them into each other while doing a slapstick comedy routine that will nearly get us fired to an audience of 180 passengers on a hot plane:
PRICELESS.
(original work has been protected by author, please dont repost this without asking! )
I am thinking maybe I'll just link you all to the original blog. There is two years worth of this crap in there....... maybe.
SNN
----
MY PIMPLES HAVE NAMES
Wow, I bet that got your attention. Funny thing is, is that this is no joke. Oh, no my four legged friends......(haha, I just called you dogs..or cats...or horses...or cows..or..oops. I need to stay on topic)
I wasn't using clever trickery to get you to click on my blog. I actually do name my skin blemishes. And I'll tell you why.
The only reason I get them is because of stress.
I *know*, right? I have normally flawless skin. Are you totally jealous? Well, you don't have to stay that shade of green (which looks lovely on you by the way) for very long. Let me elaborate. I'll try to stay focused.
It all started when : (cue blurry/wavy dream sequence with properly timed harp to imply we are going back in time)
It was my second week of training back at the airline. I was extremely confident with all the things that went along with my new job with the exception of moving the jet bridge. For whatever reason, my whole life in the airline industry (translation: 5 years) I have been able to successfully avoid driving the passenger loading bridges (formally known as "jet bridges" or passenger loading bridges, JETWAY is actually a brand that does not apply to all bridges.)
The jetway is a long bridge that extends out from the terminal and has a rotating cab attatched to it that you can drive up to the door of the plane and then this canopy thing covers the open air so that when you step off the plane, it's like walking down a freezing/hot dank moldy smelling nasty carpet hallway into the airport.
They are extremely intimidating to drive. They're about fifteen to twenty feet off the ground and you have to watch out for: moving ramp equipment, stationary ramp equipment, people, luggage carts, and you have to get it less than two inches away from the plane. Which is nearly impossible since it's really jerky (literally) and lurches unpredictably, sometimes a whole foot. If you even put a dent in the plane or scratch the paint in any way, the flight is cancelled and the damages could total hundreds of thousands. And you get sent for a drug test immediately. (Like that time I wrecked the electric cart into the wall on E concourse in 2002....what? Different story. Maybe I'll tell you some time when you're ready..)
Off topic again. Is it a wonder I can't drive?
So, I finally get forced to train on this jetbridge and after an 8 hour day of training and not hitting anything, I feel pretty good. But I didn't get to try out my "mad skillz" til three days later.
Until I am finished with three weeks of "training" I am assigned to a veteran agent and I shadow them. Except since I have so much airline experience (in dog years) that I am cocky and insist I do everything on my own. Including the boarding bridge. Cuz I trained on that and rocked the house.
My first opportunity to meet the aircraft was pretty hairy. I got a call from the tower and was told that the gate next to me was not answering and a plane was on the way to it. I said "No problem!" and told my veteran agent mentor that I was going to meet the plane. Applauding my enthusiasm, she offered to look out the window and come down there to help if anything seemed wrong. I insisted I'd be fine and ran down to the jet bridge opening just as I heard it roar around the corner. I pushed the roller door up. Behold, the Boeing 757.
Then I looked at the jetway controls. Behold, the....What? WHAT?
A wave of dread washes over me and envelops me like a surprise tsunami. My life flashed before my eyes. Specifically the scene where we were being demonstrated how to operate this particular jet bridge and I was daydreaming of being at home and being able to pee ( i have sworn off the terminal toilets) Then, thinking of the bathroom would make me think of a bathtub and then a bubble bath sounded good, and ....well I guess it is pretty obvious that I am easily derailed and distracted.
I froze. Probably for a minute. A minute is a long time to freeze when things are supposed to move quickly. The ramp agents are hollering. "IS IT BROKEN?" I read lips really well. But I can't yell that loud. I try to yell "IM NEW!" to the agents and they can't understand me and seem to be really annoyed. They are union workers and this is totally cutting into their cable tv watching free coffee drinking break time.
I put my finger into the "just one second" position and dart up the jetway. My heart is in my throat. But my veteran agent buddy is quick to the draw. She jogs down the jet bridge and asks what is wrong. I can't do it.
She chuckles, tells me it takes some time, and expertly maneuvers the equipement up to the plane, pulling the jet bridge up within one inch of the body and a brilliant two feet from the engine. Without using any rear view mirrors. Wait, this jet way doesnt have one of those either. Damn, she's good.
The rest of the day is spent with her allowing me to pull the jet bridge up to all of our inbounds and driving away during the departures. After about four arrivals and departures, I get comfortable again and she tells me the next one is all mine. All alone again.
No problem!! I'm READY! IM READY! IM READYIMREADYIMREADY!! (running around like Spongebob)
There is about 15 minutes til the next flight and the agent (her name is Deb by the way) tells me to go on break and get some food.
My adrenaline is all crazy now , so I decide my time would be better spent rubbing it in to any coworker (training coworker, not veteran agent) about how great I am (they havent been allowed to drive it yet, just me)
I go into the break room, and PERFECT! Nate gets to hear about my mad jetway skillz.
I brag that Ive been doing it all day by myself and I conveniently leave out the boring parts. And by boring, I mean the part where I froze this morning and pissed off the ramp people, and also the part where Deb was basically holding my hand the whole time and telling me what buttons to push)
Not quite satisfied with the amount of bragging I am doing, I decide to put the icing on the crapcake by telling him that I will be meeting a plane in 15 minutes. And I wait for him to tell me how awesomely great and smart I am.
Instead, he says that he has an hour til his next flight and wants to come too.
I hesitate for a second, but then I remember I am Shannon, Queen of the Jetway, and this will be such a total showoff opportunity. To prove how awesomely awesome I am and then I will have a witness to spread the word.
We go to the gate just in time to see the plane pull up and we jog down to the controls. Deb is watching from the window to make sure everything is okay, but we're all alone as the plane roars into position.
It's me and Nate and Nate and me and a great big ol' A320. Oh, and also the ramp agent that gave me the mean look. He's back and is probably wondering who the hell let me back up there.
I walk up to the controls and proudly push the "power on " button. The bell rings loudly, signaling for the ramp agents to get the hell out of my way (which they were already because the mad one undoubtedly told his ramprat buddies that I was back. I think one of them even might have gotten popcorn. Wow!! Jetway drivin' is a spectator sport! STARRING ME!!)
Nate is like, okay, let's do it!
And I give him the "OhhhYEAhHH!" look before I grab the controls and start to do my thannnng.
Apparently, I was a little too amped up because the jetway lurched forward and skreeked something awful. The time elapsed was about three seconds.
That bastard panic wave came back and made me push Nate in front of the controls and yell YOU DO IT!!
Nate says, um OKAY!! and he happily grabs the controls.
He lurches the jetway forward and it skreeks and feels like it's going to fast.
Shannon: STOP!!
The jetway stops and we have to hold on to not fall over.
Nate starts pushing buttons and I start panicking more. It's like an episode of "I love Lucy" on a jetway.
Except Nate is Ethel and I am Lucy. (Im the star!) And it's the one where we're making chocolate and it's going all over the place because the machine has gone crazy, and the jetway is the machine and it's CRAZY!!
It went something like this:
Shannon: SH$#@$#@!!
Nate: I think I need to push this
Jetway: BANG!! SKREEK!!!
Shannon: NO!! PUSH THIS ONE!!
SKRrEEkEEK!! LurCHH!! (goes in wrong direction)
(the people in the plane have now been at the gate about three minutes and are now standing up and crouching to see out the window. There is a child in the second row whose cheek is flattened against the window and his eyelid is pulling down and his face is fixed in this awestruck/confused look)
Nate starts pushing the vertical button like it's a mouse button that won't respond and the cab floor drops about three feet.
I grab the other vertical button and quickly bang it five more feet up, but Nate has decided to hit another button and the cab has rotated about 20 degrees in the wrong direction.
Shannon: OHMYGOD!! DO THE OTHER ONE!
Nate: No! It's uneven!
Shannon: DO IT!! (pushes button)
Nate: STOP! IT's FINE!!
Shannon: No it ISNT!! YOURE GOING TO HIT IT!!
Nate: I HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM!!
And finally we pull it within a few inches of the door. Except the door is halfway exposed outside and there is no way it would open without spilling passengers twenty feet down.
The objective was not just to get the bridge to the door, but to have the ENTIRE door clear.
Deb comes jogging down the jetway
"What HAPPEN...OH no. You're going to have to back it up and start over."
She looks mad.
We look out the window. The ramp has pulled the power cord which means the jet bridge won't power up.
We have to go to the ground level and tell them to put the power cord back.
I grab Nate and drag him down with me.
The agent looks at me smugly.
We need the cord pulled.
Agent: What? (points at his ear)
Shannon: We need the CORD PULLED.
Agent: What? (looks up at the jetbridge . It's so effing obvious, and he's just jacking me around now)
Agent: What do you need? (to Nate)
Nate: I don't know.
Shannon: UNPLUG IT!!
Pilot opens his little window and gives us the WTF look.
Shannon: (pointing at Nate) HE IS IN TRAINING. WE HAD SOME JETWAY TROUBLE. I NEED TO UNPLUG THE GROUND POWER AND RE POSITION THE BRIDGE.
The Pilot looks at Nate sympathetically and says, okay. We all have to learn sometime!!
Nate is confused.
Shannon is gloating because she successfully passed the buck.
We go back up the stairs and Deb repositions to jet bridge and the passengers deplane.
Deb makes us open the door, since we're the stupid ones, we should be the ones the passengers see first.
We open the door to the aircraft and the flight attendant gives us a nice little chuckle. Pats Nate on the back, it's okay, son. You'll learn.
Then the passengers start walking off, laughing and telling Nate he did a good job. Giving him encouragement.
After everyone deplanes, we walk back up that jerk of a jetway and Deb tells us "at least we didn't break anything"
Nate agrees. And he totally doesn't even say anything about how I threw him under the bus.
He heads towards his gate and I go to the bathroom to calm down and try to suppress the dread that is manifesting intself into that vomity vomit feeling. Nate thought it was a learning experience. I thought it was a damn nightmare.
When I got into the bathroom, I noticed a brand new zit that wasn't there this morning.
...And I named it Jetway.
So, in summary:
AIRBUS A320 Airplane: $two billion million dollars
Jetway Passenger Bridge: $one billion million pennies
Almost smacking them into each other while doing a slapstick comedy routine that will nearly get us fired to an audience of 180 passengers on a hot plane:
PRICELESS.
(original work has been protected by author, please dont repost this without asking! )
