Conan the US Airways CEO

[Prince of PAWOBs]

It's a Monday morning in the boardroom at the Sand Castle. Doug Parker et al. are formulating their latest plan to do something to US Airways without actually doing much of anything that might be considered drastic or earth-shaking. Unfortunately, all of that is about to change...

Doug: "...Guys, it's really about synergy, and how we can improve the existing product..."

Bruce: "Oh, I agree 100%. Synergy - that's what it's all about."

Al: "But what about..."

Elise: "AAIIEEEEEEE!"

The boardroom door bursts open. Standing before the US management team is a huge dark-haired, blue-eyed Cimmerian from the far North. His muscles bulging and with a large sword in hand, CONAN the CEO jumps onto the nearest table and reveals his presence.

Conan: "I AM CONAN THE CEO!!! You will now serve me and no other. I will run this airline like I rule my army. Any who cross me will pay with blood!"

Doug: "Uh, excuse me..."

Conan: "WHO IS THIS RABBLE WHO UTTERS FOUL TESTIMONY?"

Doug: "HEY! Look here, buddy! I'm the CEO. I don't know how you got in here, but..."

Suddenly, poor Doug Parker finds himself hoisted into the air about a foot off the floor. Conan's grip begins to rend the collar from Doug's shirt. Lucky he didn't wear a tie! (hehe!)

Conan: "You were saying, little mouse?"

Doug: "That you're the CEO and I'm a little mouse!"

Doug's squeaky voice permeates the now silent boardroom. Conan has won his first battle as CEO and tyrant-king of his new US Airways empire. As he puts Doug back down on the floor, Mr. Parker finds he can still be useful to his new boss.

Doug: "Mini-bottle and a bag of pretzels, my liege?"

Elise (under her breath): Wow! He is soooo buff!

Conan: "What is best in life?"

Al: "Oooh! Oooh! I know! To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."

Conan: "You will be Director of Operations!"

...to be continued. Contributions to this thread are welcome!

 

[PITbull]

Intercom beeps, secretary's voice is heard:

"Conan Sir, there is a little man out here, he's wearing a pilot's uniform. He claims to be a LGA 320 captain. He said he has an appointment with Mr. Parker and would like to share some information of interest".

CONAN: "UH,bring him in, the little man".

Enter little man.

Little man: "Hi, I'm a pilot and was suppose to meet with the CEO to discuss a new UCT/ICT".

Doug: "Uh, don't know what he's babling about...I just answered a uh, maybe uh, two questions in an interview, and uh..."

CONAN: "What's this??? What is UCT/ICT?"

Little man: "Well, gee, it use to be "project Minnow", you know, USAirways was suppose to buy UAL if they couldn't pay their bills and had to sell some of their "stuff"...you know, didn't you hear about that? Weren't you briefed"? Code word"...?

CONAN: "Briefed...? "Doug, AL, you know anything about this shittt"?

Doug/AL chime in together: "Uh, no, well sort of..."

Doug: "Just read about this "shitt" from a chat board and it seemed like a good idea to put in the papers...to bring the stock price higher. It's now my turn to sell my stock and wanted to get more than Kirby, McClelland, Kerr, you know...my koumbas . I just think I deserved a bigger pay day...uh, I'm new at this, and lack experience, if this is unacceptable..a slight exaggeration..I can..."(sweating profusely; eyes shifting back and forth hoping for assitance; none comes).

CONAN: "Hmmm, little man, can you help us out with this? I need more money too. Yes...tell all. Spread the word about this shittt. Ah, yes I be KING of airlines."

Little man: "Sure. I think UAL would be the best fit...and I already told millions of people on this chat board this would hap...

CONAN: "Shut up, little man, chatter box(as he bounces little man off the wall, headlocks him for 5 minutes, and throws him up in the air, and he's left dangling on the chandelier, red faced and pants wet). We buy all the airlines. New business plan. Doug, you have nice baby face, go out to the world and tell them we may, perhaps, sorta, might, should, kinda, iffy, buy all airlines and take all their stuff".

Little man: (Hanging from chandelier), "I'll do it, I'll do it. Let me tell it...roger that, copy that..y-i-k-e-s..."

CONAN: (pulls little man by his pants and huff and puffs and blows him out the door). "We need someone with more credibility..who you suggest Al"?

AL: "Don't look at me".

Kirby: I'm busy on the golf course this month, and by the by,i'm flying to the Rivera, first class,space positive for me, family and friends, to buy a summer home and a nice strip of beach...you think I can have my bonus early to buy my own plane, one of them, there Embrareries 190..hate having to talk to the employees on a flight about this and that and their same old issues..."

McClelland: "Did anyone pay the income taxes on my money"?

Jerry: "I have a plan fellas. Let's F%^* labor again and bring in the ALPA MEC first. They love this kinda "shittt".

CONAN: "Bring magic-money-man-Naples Lakefield...and "Jerry, for you", smart man, bring in your cronnies. We make you new contract, big money, budda bing"!

 

[700UW]

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Dog Wonder]

Conan scans the room

WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE.

DP (squeakily): Vice-Presidents and consultants.

WHY ONLY ONE WENCH? STATE YOUR NAME, WENCH.

Elise, Vice-President of Comm

ENOUGH, YOU TALK TOO MUCH. GO FIND ME SOME WENCHES WHO DON'T MAKE SO MUCH NOISE.

WHO IS THE VICE-PRESIDENT.

In unison (sounding like the Vienna Boys Choir): We are Sir

WHAT VICES DO YOU HAVE FOR ME?

Scott: Greed is my favorite.

WHO CARES ABOUT YOU, WHAT VICES DO YOU HAVE FOR ME?

Elise: Um, lust?

ENOUGH, YOU TALK TOO MUCH. GO FIND ME SOME WENCHES WHO DON'T MAKE SO MUCH NOISE. I NEED VICES

Scott (sniffing): We have to ask our consultants?

VICE-PRESIDENTS NEED CONSULTANTS???? WHAT DO YOU GET MULTI-MILLIONS FOR? AND WIPE YOUR NOSE OR I WILL DEMOTE YOU TO DOG.

Scott: You can't treat me this way!

AL, PUT A LEASH ON THIS POODLE AND LOCK HIM IN A CAR WITH THE WINDOWS UP.

Al: Just what I was thinking

I LIKE YOU AL.

 

[PITbull]

 

[700UW]

Conan: Doug who is responsible for our crown jewel of PHL dismal performance?

Doug: Umm, that would be Al Crellin.

Conan: Crellin! Come over here now!

Al: Yes sir.

Conan: Al you will now be based in PHL and live and work there overseeing the whole operation, and if you don't make it work better I will tie you between two tails of an A330 and have each plane taxi away.

Al: but but, I just moved to Tempe, they hate me in PHL.

Conan: stop acting like a girlie man or I will use my ax on you right now. You have one week to move to PHL or you will pay the price.

Al: yes sir.

 

[Dog Wonder]

Parker: Good, Conan and Crellin went to Philly now we can get back to business. How did that savage get in here?

Hemenway: He got past the guard.

Parker: Fire the guard.

All: Yes great idea Sir.

Hemenway: The guard is on Workman's Comp. Conan tore his arm off.

Parker: Well then fire the rest of him. Jerry, what do we do about Conan?

Glass: Subcontract his job out to the lowest bidder, get some one in here even Kirby can handle.

Parker: Dumb idea we never gave Conan a job in the first place. Here is $100,000.

Glass: Thank you.

Eberwein: Speaking of Kirby, did anyone let him out of the car?

Parker: Can't you hear him whimpering in the corner?

Eberwein: Damn Crellin kissing up to Conan like that. I would never stoop so low.

McClelland: If Conan comes back and keeps abusing us I say we unionize. At least we would have some protection.

Glass: Great idea more unions on the property, the more consultants.

Parker: Dumb idea, we would have to pay dues and go by seniority. Here's $100,000.

Glass: Thank you.

 

[Dog Wonder]

Hemenway: I have a plan.

Parker: Finally some one comimg out from under my desk. What is it Al?

Hemenway: I know some very tough guys. They are in Philly. I think they can deal with Conan.

Glass: I know some very tough guys. They are in Philly. I think they can deal with Conan.

Parker: Great idea here is $50,000.

Glass: You insult me.

Parker: OK here is another $50,000.

Glass: Thank you. Call them Al.

BEEP BEEP BEEP Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.

Tony Armideo here.

Hemenway: Tony old buddy old pal.

Armideo: Who the f!!k are you.

Hemenway: Al.

Armideo: You can't be Crellin. He is here in the bar with us.

Heminway: Al, Al Heminway.

Armideo: Al Heminway? background noise HEY TONY WHO IS CALLING YOU.

Heminway: Listen Tony we need your help. An infidel has taken over the sandbox. He made Kirby a poodle. We need some one tough to take him on.

Armideo: Kirby a poodle. Looks like you will have to give him more stock options.

Heminway: This is serious. This guy Conan is a real man. We can't deal with him. He can kick all of our
a!!es

Armideo: Conan? I think I know him.

TONY WHO IS CALLING YOU.

Armideo: Conan, do you wan't to talk to him?

WHO IS THIS?

HEMENWAY: Uh, Kirby

THE POODLE? HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE CAR?

Hemenway: They. I mean I let me out. Can I talk to Tony?

TONY, I LIKE TONY HE KNOWS VICE. LOOK AT THESE WENCHES. NOT LIKE THE ONE WHO TALKS TOO MUCH. AND HE CAN DRINK LIKE A VIKING.

Hemenway: Can I please talk to Tony?

NO, OK YES, I HAVE REAL VICE PRESIDENTS HERE. WENCHS. MEAD. GAMBLING. AND I HAVEN'T EVEN LEFT THE AIRPORT. AND THE REAL AL IS STAYING RIGHT WITH ME.

Hemenway: Tony?

Armideo: What now Al?

Hemenway: We need your help!