I have been reading all this about the whooaas of US and it just brought to mind a great little item I ran across.
Hope everyone gets a good laugh out of it.
NEW HANDBOOK
RAISES:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada Sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise, if you dress in-between, you are right where you should be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have somethng removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday or days off, whichever applies.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacations days are as follows: Jan. 1, Huly 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT DAYS:
This is no excuse to miss work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with A will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with B will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you''re unable to go at the alloted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees my swap their time with coworkers. Both employee''s supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls, At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders catagory.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that''s all the time needed to drink slim fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. therefore, all questions, comments, concern, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
