Home Study Guide for Flight Attendant Wannabes
By Gail Todd
Recently, I received e-mail from two readers who
thought flying sounded like an exotic career
and asked me if I would do it all over again. So when
I met two old flying cronies for lunch, I
asked them the same question.
We put our heads together and came up with a training
guide for anyone who is considering a
career as a flight attendant and is looking for the
adventure of air travel. Here it is:
1. Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit
that an army sergeant might have worn. Add
a white shirt and a tie. Wear the same outfit for
three consecutive days.
2. Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for
several hours. Pretend you are standing by
for them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the
airport the next day and do the same thing again.
3. Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over
your head and place them on the top shelf
of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit.
Do this until you feel a disk slip in your back.
4. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations
so there is plenty of static. Turn on the
vacuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all
night.
5. Remove the covers from several TV entrees. Place
them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the
oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot
trays with your bare hands. Serve to your
family. Don't include anything for yourself.
6. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've
received their meal. Make them remain
in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at
you and complain about the service.
7. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to
eat two hours later when you're really hungry.
8. Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a
blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it.
Eat the rolls you saved from your family's meal.
9. Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently
as possible. Tell them to make splashing
water a game and see who can leave the most disgusting
mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the
night.
10. Make a narrow aisle between several dining room
chairs and randomly scatter your husband's wing-tips
and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and
spend the night walking up and down
the aisle while banging your shins against the chair
legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups
of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.
11. Gently wake your family in the morning and serve
them a cold sweet roll. Don't forget to smile and wish
them a nice day when they leave for work and school.
12. After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go
out in the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the
sprinkling system and stand in the cold for 30 minutes
pretending like you're waiting for the crew
bus to pick you up. Then go inside and wait by your
bedroom door for another 30 minutes for an imaginary
maid to make up your room.
13. Change into street clothes and shop for five
hours. Pick up carry-out food from a local deli.
Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set
your alarm for 3 a.m. so you'll be ready
for your wake-up call.
14. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row
and you'll be ready to work your first international
trip.
Several years ago, on a flight out of Denver, my
flying partner was half-buried in a cart trying to
rescue the last few entrees from a meal cart. A
passenger asked her what she was doing. Without
removing her head from the carrier, she responded:
"I'm looking for the glamour in this job."
And yes, I would do it all over again. So would my
flying partners. Go figure.
By Gail Todd
Recently, I received e-mail from two readers who
thought flying sounded like an exotic career
and asked me if I would do it all over again. So when
I met two old flying cronies for lunch, I
asked them the same question.
We put our heads together and came up with a training
guide for anyone who is considering a
career as a flight attendant and is looking for the
adventure of air travel. Here it is:
1. Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit
that an army sergeant might have worn. Add
a white shirt and a tie. Wear the same outfit for
three consecutive days.
2. Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for
several hours. Pretend you are standing by
for them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the
airport the next day and do the same thing again.
3. Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over
your head and place them on the top shelf
of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit.
Do this until you feel a disk slip in your back.
4. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations
so there is plenty of static. Turn on the
vacuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all
night.
5. Remove the covers from several TV entrees. Place
them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the
oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot
trays with your bare hands. Serve to your
family. Don't include anything for yourself.
6. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've
received their meal. Make them remain
in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at
you and complain about the service.
7. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to
eat two hours later when you're really hungry.
8. Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a
blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it.
Eat the rolls you saved from your family's meal.
9. Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently
as possible. Tell them to make splashing
water a game and see who can leave the most disgusting
mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the
night.
10. Make a narrow aisle between several dining room
chairs and randomly scatter your husband's wing-tips
and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and
spend the night walking up and down
the aisle while banging your shins against the chair
legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups
of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.
11. Gently wake your family in the morning and serve
them a cold sweet roll. Don't forget to smile and wish
them a nice day when they leave for work and school.
12. After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go
out in the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the
sprinkling system and stand in the cold for 30 minutes
pretending like you're waiting for the crew
bus to pick you up. Then go inside and wait by your
bedroom door for another 30 minutes for an imaginary
maid to make up your room.
13. Change into street clothes and shop for five
hours. Pick up carry-out food from a local deli.
Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set
your alarm for 3 a.m. so you'll be ready
for your wake-up call.
14. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row
and you'll be ready to work your first international
trip.
Several years ago, on a flight out of Denver, my
flying partner was half-buried in a cart trying to
rescue the last few entrees from a meal cart. A
passenger asked her what she was doing. Without
removing her head from the carrier, she responded:
"I'm looking for the glamour in this job."
And yes, I would do it all over again. So would my
flying partners. Go figure.
