On The Lighter Side...

U

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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...

















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Have a 'Happy Thanksgiving'!!!
:p UT

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NEW COMPANY POLICY FOR ALL EMPLOYEES

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of
their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities
of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal
with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy,
an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be
SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As
HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through our Special High Intensity Training ($HIT). We
take pride in the amount of #### our employees receive. We have
given our employees more #### than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough #### on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make
sure you receive all the #### you can stand. And, once again, thanks
for all your years of service with us.

Thank you for your many years of service but you will be SLAPPED, SCREWED AND SHAFTED!!!

B) UT
 
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It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards.

The Stellas' are named after 81-year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:

5TH PLACE (TIED):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5TH PLACE (TIED):

A man, 19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

4TH PLACE:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500--and medical expenses--after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought for because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked. At the time, Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, had been shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

2ND PLACE:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1ST PLACE:

This year's runaway winner was Mr. Mere Grazinski of
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motorhome. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motorhome. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles!

:p UT
 
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Humor Related to Aging

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

:p UT
 
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The Pharmacist-----

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed
some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw
both of us in jail and I'll lose my license!"

Then the lady reached into her purse, pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to him..

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,


"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

:p UT
 
And that's when the fight started ......


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....
..........................................

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....
......................................................................
...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
..........................................

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
...........................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....
.........................................

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started....
..........................................

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..
And that's when the fight started....
.........................................

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Well your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
..........................................

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....
.........................................

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....
......................................................................
...................

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....
......................................................................
..........

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....
 
The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I were travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.
I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
'But we didn't use them.'
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,
'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.
'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
 
WEDDINGS
>
When I was younger, I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of the aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'...

They stopped that #### after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
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Garfield1966 said:
WEDDINGS
>
When I was younger, I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of the aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'...

They stopped that #### after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Click to expand...

Now that is funny :up:
 
Truth about the Human Body:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something,then you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
 
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