Department of Homeland Security Briefing After Accidentally Shooting Down Santa Claus
By Max Lance
December 26th, 2005
We regret to announce that late last night, at 02:43, the United States Air Force accidentally shot-down a caravan consisting of Santa Claus and 8 reindeer, which were flying over restricted air space.
We were first tipped off when we thought the Empire State Building’s flashing red airplane beacon had fallen off. Upon closer inspection we found that something with a red headlight was moving at a very rapid speed over New York. We discovered, only too late, that this turned out to be Rudolph.
All that could be identified on the moving object was a bearded man with religious imagery. Sadly, this fit the Department of Homeland Security’s profile for immediate threats to our freedom, and four F-16 fighter jets were deployed to take the object down.
Upon approaching the target, the following conversation, which is currently being investigated, took place:
F-16 pilot: “This is the United States Air Force. Land immediately.â€
Santa: “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!â€
F-16 pilot: “Our missiles are locked on to you. Die .â€
The pilot then followed procedure and fired a warning shot at the back of the caravan. Unfortunately, the back of what turned out to be Santa’s sleigh was fully loaded with x-box 360s, iPods, and laptop computers; all of which turned out to be highly flammable. The warning shot caused a minor fire that quickly spread from toy to toy, ballooning into a chain reaction, and finally a fatal explosion, blowing Santa, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen to smithereens.
Our deepest apologies go to Ms. Claus and to the North Pole government. We want to state how much of an accident this was; we do not want to cause a global backlash with the state’s elf population. A service for Santa and the reindeer will be held next Thursday, consisting of a closed casket and milk and cookies; his favorite food.
By Max Lance
December 26th, 2005
We regret to announce that late last night, at 02:43, the United States Air Force accidentally shot-down a caravan consisting of Santa Claus and 8 reindeer, which were flying over restricted air space.
We were first tipped off when we thought the Empire State Building’s flashing red airplane beacon had fallen off. Upon closer inspection we found that something with a red headlight was moving at a very rapid speed over New York. We discovered, only too late, that this turned out to be Rudolph.
All that could be identified on the moving object was a bearded man with religious imagery. Sadly, this fit the Department of Homeland Security’s profile for immediate threats to our freedom, and four F-16 fighter jets were deployed to take the object down.
Upon approaching the target, the following conversation, which is currently being investigated, took place:
F-16 pilot: “This is the United States Air Force. Land immediately.â€
Santa: “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!â€
F-16 pilot: “Our missiles are locked on to you. Die .â€
The pilot then followed procedure and fired a warning shot at the back of the caravan. Unfortunately, the back of what turned out to be Santa’s sleigh was fully loaded with x-box 360s, iPods, and laptop computers; all of which turned out to be highly flammable. The warning shot caused a minor fire that quickly spread from toy to toy, ballooning into a chain reaction, and finally a fatal explosion, blowing Santa, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen to smithereens.
Our deepest apologies go to Ms. Claus and to the North Pole government. We want to state how much of an accident this was; we do not want to cause a global backlash with the state’s elf population. A service for Santa and the reindeer will be held next Thursday, consisting of a closed casket and milk and cookies; his favorite food.
