169 replies to this topic

[North by Northwest]

jimntx, on Oct 10 2008, 10:00 AM, said:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: The female of the species is more deadly than the male. Don't mess with them.

never send a man to do a women's job. they don't go through childbirth because they are weak.

Go Ladies!

[tech2101]

I was so depressed over the bailout last night I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[SharoninSAT]

UAL_TECH, on Oct 11 2008, 09:50 AM, said:

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.


BroomCrash.jpg

[jimntx]

tech2101, on Oct 11 2008, 08:58 AM, said:

I was so depressed over the bailout last night I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thank you for calling the Mental Health Lifeline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please have someone press 2 for you.
If you are bipolar press 3 then 5 then 3 then 5.
If you are paranoid, there's no need to press anything, we already know who and where you are.
If you are suicidal, please hold. All counselors are currently helping other callers. Do not hang up and call back as this will delay answering your call. The current estimated wait time is 45 minutes. In the meantime, please enjoy our extensive recordings of the BeeGees.

[tech2101]

4 MARRIED GUYS GO FISHING

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to get out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to get out fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm clock for 5:30 am. When it buzzed, I shut it off, gave the wife a slap on her rump, and said, 'Fishing or Sex?'"

She said, "Wear sun block."