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The Flight Crew
The airliner pushed back from the gate;
the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual
information regarding seat belts, etc .
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip
while your captain, Judith Campbell,
and crew take you safely to your destination.'
Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'
When the attendant came by with the drink cart
he said, 'Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,' said the attendant,
'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My Goodness' said Ed,
'I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant,
'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.'
'It's The Box Office.'
#1
Posted 31 July 2008 - 05:53 AM
KCFlyer
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It's the miles, stupid
Back to top
#2
Posted 31 July 2008 - 12:40 PM
phlgreaser
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LOL 
This is a nasty, rotten business.
— Robert L. Crandall, CEO & President of American Airlines.
— Robert L. Crandall, CEO & President of American Airlines.
#3
Guest_UAL_TECH_*
Posted 04 September 2008 - 06:53 PM
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Oldie But Goodie... 
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a guy below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The guy below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the guy, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The guy below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the guy, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
xUT
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a guy below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The guy below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the guy, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The guy below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the guy, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
xUT
#4
Posted 05 September 2008 - 05:00 PM
SharoninSAT
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...a mile of road gets you somewhere...
but...a mile of airport runway gets you anywhere...
but...a mile of airport runway gets you anywhere...
#5
Guest_UAL_TECH_*
Posted 07 October 2008 - 11:00 AM
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WALL STREET DEMYSTIFIED:
xUT
Quote
If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help...
Once upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ' Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50. '
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Welcome to WALL STREET.
Once upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ' Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50. '
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Welcome to WALL STREET.
xUT
#6
Posted 07 October 2008 - 11:46 AM
Bobbie
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#7
Posted 10 October 2008 - 09:00 AM
jimntx
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Veteran
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL: The female of the species is more deadly than the male. Don't mess with them.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL: The female of the species is more deadly than the male. Don't mess with them.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
#8
Guest_UAL_TECH_*
Posted 10 October 2008 - 09:41 AM
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How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son:
'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
Stolen From BBC
A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son:
'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
Stolen From BBC
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